A New Start.

Things have changed.  Things have changed a lot.  I know that there are a million ways that I could begin to describe all of the changes, but I figure you, dear reader, will figure them out as we go.  I have been on hiatus from this short lived chronicle for some time.  To quote Achebe, Things Fall Apart.

As a new married man, I think quietly about my journey and how I landed where I currently am.  I suppose one could say that it all started as soon as I quit writing my tale.  All the time seemed to blend together and begin and end the same way every day.  I am happy.  That is not in doubt.  I have built relationships that sustain me and make me the person that I am now.  However, the things that I have learned, and the heartache that ensued has taken it's toll on me.  The answer now is to let it out.  I consider the level of honesty I want to endeavor.  As a gay man, I figure I have kept quiet enough.  Someone said once that we all see history differently.  I suppose if I saw the life that I lived through a different lens, I may have a different opinion on my life.  However if you will indulge me, I will just think about how I see it.  

At the time, I had moved to the beautiful town of Brownville Junction, Maine.  It quickly became my home.  I lived in a large, old farmhouse on a hill that stood between Rout 11 and the train tracks.  it had everything that I needed there; Quiet, save the occasional making and breaking of trains, solitude, and the seasons.  There is no smell like the fragrant nostalgia of the rotting, fallen leaves of autumn.  

Autumn is where life changed.  It was October of 2009....

Memories of childhood.

The home that I grew up in was in Columbus, Ohio. The midwestern skies would grow dark with billowing clouds during the warm summers. Often my mother would take the three of us younger kids out on the back porch. We would curl up next to her on the glider, and she would tell us stories of celestial bowling alleys and God's winning score. This is the childhood that I try to remember from Columbus. I often listen to Mary Chapin Carpenter sing about growing up "where the tall elm's shade," and I go home.

The most oft missed and regretted thoughts I have about Ohio is my lack of time getting to know my sister, Jamie. I know that there was a distance beween us after the divorce of our parents, yet there was a connection that I feel will never be broken. The same little freckled girl has now grown up and made me proud to be her little brother. There are moments when I feel as though my free-spirit, and her grounded sensibilities tend to keep us apart. When those feelings occur, I bare in mind the warm summer nights catching lightning bugs, playing Hide-and-Go-Seek, and the feel of the cool breeze in our faces as we rode our bikes down the path behind Binns Elementary School.

This is the light that illuminates my lantern. This is the thing that keeps me going. There are many that say you can't go home. In the adult world, this may be true. However, by holding onto these memories, it is as though I never left. Holding onto these memories will keep me looking to the skies "under the tall elm's shade, looking up at the blue, as the blue stared back."

The Ring of Fire.

As Johnny Cash says, "I walked into a burning ring of fire." There was a time when I was the man that would simply RUN into that burning ring. I have never felt more distant from that man than I do today.

Something has happened this year at Acadia National Park. I am a summer employee there. For the past four seasons, I have maintained boundaries on the park, and worked to keep the park safe from fire. This is a job that I felt earned me a great deal of respect with my friends and the general public. I think that this has changed.

I now work for a Campground at Acadia National Park, and though laudable, it is not fire. I enjoyed working in fire. I enjoyed the trips to other states to assist in the fire use effort. I REALLY enjoyed the large paychecks that would come from these excursions. I felt all of that fall through the floor yesterday when I had learned that the Park had sent a crew to Alaska.

This summer has been wet. When I say wet, I mean WET WET!!! We have had so much rain, and I suppose I know that this does not always translate to the rest of the country, but I can say that I had no expectation of going on a fire. I dragged my feet getting my certification (Red Card) for fire, and BANG! - They go on a fire. To a large degree this was my own fault, and I suppose I can rack it up to the shittiest year in the history of Brian, (This kind of thing has been commonplace for me) but I can't. I know that by dragging my feet, I was responsible for the loss, and I have no one to blame but myself. Perhaps this is the end-cap of this year, and now things will start anew.

After a good nights sleep, I showered in preparation for the day, and started thinking about a response to my predicament from a recently gained friend. "Do your best to focus on tomorrow with a little regard to six months from now." It is very, "No day but today," but also considerably meaningful, thoughtful, and kind. While the water washed over my head and face, it occurred to me that there is nothing I can do about it now, and that I have to take something away from it.

I have found that the best way to stay optimistic in difficult times is to find what you can take away from an unfortunate event. My mom taught me that it was important to learn from one's mistakes. So, it seems reasonable to ask myself what I learned here...?

What I have learned is that if you want to do something, do it now! Don't wait for the right moment - the right moment never comes. Don't wait for the sun to come out, or the rain to stop. Don't wait until you finished that cigarette or that television show is over! Don't even wait until you are finished eating! Do not wait for the time when all things come together. It is futile.

There is a certain time in all of our lives that we have a charmed existence. For some it may last for years, and for others, a mere hour. However, when we lose that charm in our life, we begin to wonder why we are not as lucky as we once were. What happened to us? Why are we so lost? Well, it would make sense that charms and luck, although brilliant when experienced, are subject to the ebb and flow of natural law. We have times that are, in a word, fantastic - and others that break our souls. But when we just move forward, and don't wait for right timing - we just do what needs to be done, then that is when the stars align, and our charms are given back to us. I hope that this is that time for me.

The Start.

My name is Brian. I am a 35 year old college student at the University of Maine. I have decided to start this blog not for reasons of artistry and prose, but for the opportunity to put something out there, (if only for a brief time) that shows that I existed. This may go on for a while, or I may quit doing this after a couple of week. Who knows. What I do know is that it is important to try and be accurate, and really explain what is going on with ME. Not always with the world, but with ME in the world.

This is my story. I hope I tell it well.